Relationship Counselling for Religious Degens
Fix your relationship with your wife within 9 steps
What got you to the Game will not keep you there.
بِسْمِ ٱللّٰهِ ٱلرَّحْمٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ
In short this Substack is for Degens to learn EQ (emotional intelligence) at a high enough level to keep their marriages working.
Step 0. Find God.
No other advice will help you more than this. I’m Muslim and i say Islam. There’s a reason even past chronic degens like Andrew Tate come to the faith. Al hamdu lilah. People will skip this but the spiritual world fixes so many issues. If you truly leave things to the Creator, you will make decisions that are correct and hardships will be easy to overcome. The key to win is think simply and time spent till problem solved.
Step 1. Listen to your woman.
She is your partner in crime, your cohort your ally. She’s not a thing to be done. I love BTB but its not about status games. This is for a moral relationship not a survival of the fittest one.
If you’re sick in the hospital do you want someone there that’s actually going to care for you even when your strength becomes your weakness? Doesn’t come from status hose.
Step 2. Reflect her emotions and feel her concerns and speak not to solving them but understanding them.
Women know what to do, or they don’t. They never want a solution when they come to you. They are looking for emotional intimacy and moral clarity. Do you have principals or are you a doormat? Principals. a bank account isn’t principles. financial stability isn’t principals though its desired.
Step 3. Sunk cost fallacy is beneficial.
It’s not a fallacy in marriages. It keeps marriages together. That’s why its important to select well. If you haven’t selected well, you have options.
If you’re muslim you can have up to 4 wives.
If you’re not a muslim your option is divorce and maintaining cordial relationships with your baby momma while making sure to give the best experience you can to your children. That can be even moving next door if possible. There’s a reason ye did it.
I assume you’re making bank on wifi money. If you can’t move near and she doesn’t move out near, get as close location wise to your kids as possible. The time for all the small connections and connects matters more than grand gestures two days a week.
The other option is to Make. It. Work.
Step 4. Cause and effect are occasional not concurrentism*
You think she’s mad because of A. She’s mad because of overwhelm from A through E. A is just a trigger for it. That’s why you get confused. You think if you solve A it will solve her, it won’t. Sometimes it will, mostly it won’t. If you revive Archduke Franz Ferdinand it doesn’t stop world war 1.
*(The belief that God appoints decision makers that are secondary causal and independent).
Step 5. Venting is necessary for women and we hate nagging as men.
Give time for her to chat her words and try to listen out for anything worth taking on board. Mostly its about recognising she needs this to calm down.
Be compassionate but realise that you don’t need to do much with the venting at all.
If she doesn’t vent to you, she will vent to someone else.
Her mom and dad or siblings if morally upright people its fine. Her friends, not a good idea at all. Shut that s**t down. If its a guy friend he is a emotional cheater in waiting. if its a girl friend she’s jealous or seeks to undermine. Teach her that family and outside is different. You and her versus the thing. Rather than you versus her.
Step 6. If she has mental health issues, recognise the therapy solutions for women are not geared towards men.
What her therapist will say will help a female mind generally not a males. I think with heavy emotion so some of the strategy helps but generally not for most men. Adam lane smith has a thread on harsh psychological truths and is a religious family therapist. I would suggest seeking his work to understand the real talk ways men and women think differently. Family therapists over one’s that seek to separate.
Step 7 if you have mental health issues, seek company in men and do activities that boost your sense of power and control.
Think Khabib nurmagomedov (former ufc lightweight champion) playing football with his teammates after hard training and teasing each other through comradery. You can vent with your wife about emotional stuff if she’s a compassionate person. But increasing your sense of power, will help you. Ultimately the real power is God so we should be humble as well.
Step 8. Learned this from a Alexandra franzen post. Give. Ask. Receive.
Give something to someone. compliments, a smile, free help, check in with them. For Muslims we would call this Sadaqah. Give with the expectation that God will reward you and not the person you’re helping.
Ask. Ask God for help. Ask other people within your network for something requiring support in. keep it SMART and concise.. not vague. Don’t tie it to the Give. God will give you.
Receive. Be prepared to get back from doing this practise. And accept that it will happen to second guess.
Step 9. Me and Her versus the thing.
This is the guiding thing and stems from Step 0. If you both believe in God and a judgement then you know people are not inherently evil. They are fallible. And the two influences we have in life are God and the Devil. Don’t get your egos so typed up to her actions you lose site of the point of the relationship. Its you and her versus the thing. God put love into men and women so that they may know each other.
Congrats, implementing these steps in sha Allah will solve any and all Marriage problems.
I will be creating a readers questions series to answer common issues. This will be behind a pay wall for privacy reasons.
If you like what i wrote here, help people with it:
My goal is to make a place for Religious Degens to fix their relationships and stay together
It’s also a dawa tool which is of benefit to me, and its nice to get wifi money too from helping things instead of contributing to degeneracy,